The Naked Emperor

28 April 2004

Diet and Exercise

28 April 2004

It's a beautiful day here. I've spent all the daylight hours this week working on the farm, and I'm tired. So I'm taking the afternoon off to write drivel, then maybe a nap.

On our recent trip to Tennessee, my in-laws gave us a "Fitness Chair" by NordicTrak. When I heard about it, the first impression was "a piece of equipment so you can exercise without getting off your butt". I can't make up stuff this good. Anyway, that got me thinking about healthy things like diet and exercise. So here goes.

There are currently lots of "informed" diets out there like Atkins, South Beach, Sugar Busters, and LA something or other. One will say eating fats causes you to get, oh gee, fat. Others say carbohydrates are the problem. Remember that food is made up of four or five things. The first four are carbs, fats, proteins, and trace nutrients. Here in Louisiana, we have a fifth item, taste. But carbs and fats are out.

I'm reminded of a song from World War I. To help with the war effort, citizens were encouraged to give up certain items on one day a week. Meatless Mondays, wheatless Wednesdays, you get the picture. "My Mondays are meatless, my Wednesdays are wheatless, I'm getting more eatless each day....."

If we follow these "experts", we're getting pretty eatless. We're down to just proteins. But too much protein is bad for your kidneys, so thats out too. Also, protein generally comes from animals, and that is against animal rights.

Also, studies find most foods either cause cancer or heart disease or other problems. One advert suggests their product is "good for colo-rectal health". Personally, I find that there is an overabundance of disgustingly healthy rectums walking around day to day.

In the bad old days, convicts were fed bread and water. But bread is loaded with carbs, so we're left with just water. Other studies find that tap water and bottled water have pollutants and additives, so that's out too.

To sum up. To be healthy, we must give up all food and drink. We can be healthy for a month until starvation gets us, or a week until dehydration kills us. Peachy.

In reviewing the above, I've realized an omission of something that's actually good for you. Wine. So we can give up all other food and drink, and subsist solely on wine. The ratty overcoat and tin cup are optional. We'll live a bit longer that way, and at least be very happy as long as the wine lasts.

The experts apparently believe that the road to good health is to become a wino. I guess researchers don't ride in busses too often. But it does bring a whole new meaning to "Here's to your health".

One reason I write this stuff is boredom. My career won't pay to cure that boredom. I mean, if I was sitting on a beach or a yacht with some cute scantily clad woman serving me drinks, when would I have time to write? But in my next life, I'll fix that. I'll go into the exercise equipment business.

That's the best business. Remember "The Graduate"? When Dustin Hoffman's character graduated, some one gave him good advice for 1969. "Plastics". Today it's exercise equipment.

Your products don't actually have to work, no one will use them anyway. They just have to look cool, be expensive, and have a celebrity endorsement. After all, the product will just end up in a bedroom somewhere covered in the owner's clothes. Our Fitness Chair was actually at my in-laws neighbor's, also covered in clothes. That's the important thing for home exercise gear, it must hold a LOT of clothes. Everything else is optional.

I guess old fashioned sit-ups or push-ups or running aren't good for you anymore. You need a $500 to $1000 AbdominoChrunchTrak-o-Matic. Personally autographed by Rube Goldberg.

All kidding aside, there actually is some good stuff out there. Our Fitness Chair actually works pretty well. But don't blow a lot of money. Just go to your local Goodwill or Salvation Army. They have loads of exercise gear that's just about new, donated by people who had an overabundance of cash as well as body mass.

But will I actually use it? Probably not. My exercise gear is a bit more simple. A shovel. A hoe. If I do my exercises now, I get to eat the results. Now that's motivation. And if that doesn't work, I'll introduce my best exercise routine to the public.

Jump to Conclusion. Fly off Handle. Repeat. Feel the burn?

Until later,

Dr. Peter Grout


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