The Naked Emperor

13 June 2008

White Coat and Pink Crustacean

I really don't know what my readers think.

Do they think I have talent, or are they just trying to shut me up?

Anyway, one of them sent me this.

You've just got to read it before we go on.

Is this a gauntlet thrown before me, or a "Go ahead, I dare you?".

Well, impetuosity has always been one of my failings, there just aren't enough windmills to tilt at.

My first reaction to the article was "Are they friggin NUTS?". C'mon, nakedemperor, press the clutch, and move the gearshift from emotion over to brain, and THINK.

I did a bit of research. I frankly didn't know much about lobsters.

You see, we just don't think about them down here.

To us, a lobster is just a crayfish on steroids, and poorly prepared. I mean, you just boil it? In salty water, with maybe a touch of lemon? And you just serve it with a little butter? How bland can you get? This is like a mayonnaise sandwich on white bread. Kind of the "Bob Dole" of suppers. And you want to charge me WHAT for that? Now, if you boiled it in some Zatarain's, maybe you'd have something.

I learned about the diet of lobster. They eat "mainly fresh food which includes fish, crabs, clams, mussels, sea urchins, and sometimes even other lobsters!". This data is from NOAA.

OK, PETA, I'll (pardon the pun) bite. I'll go along with your assumption that boiling a lobster is cruel, for the sake of argument.

Let's face it, a lobster cruelty museum ain't worth spit if you haven't got any, oh, lobsters. So you'll have to keep some lobsters in nice, eco-friendly conditions. But what will they eat?

All research points to the fact that lobsters don't like soy/wheat germ/bean curd protein shakes. You'll have to feed them their natural diet. Which means they'll be using those allegedly tasty claws to rip apart the above fish and shellfish before chowing down.

Pardon me, but is being shredded by huge pincers less cruel than boiling? You'll be subjecting the lobster's prey (it's called predation, don't ya know?) to cruel torture just for your own political ends.

Oh, those rubber band thingies? Those are used because they EAT EACH OTHER!!

And to prove your point, you'll be subjecting humans to what you believe is cruelty and I presume, charging for it. Kind of kinky. And illegal in most states.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if I'm a masochist who's willing to pay, there's no way in hell I'll be going to your "museum" I'd just as soon have my torturer be a redhead wearing leather. Maybe a congressman could recommend one for me.

So that's the Pink Crustacean. And the White Coat?

I have several. And I recommend that PETA get some, but cut a bit differently.

We have a prima fascia case here for deep delusions and self loathing, if not worse.

My white coats button in front. I think yours should tie in back.

The Naked Emperor


At June 13, 2008 at 7:55 PM, Blogger .....CLIFFORD said...

Actually, when we lived in Boston we tried boiling lobster in Zataran's. (Use the crab boil, and lots of it - their shells are tough!)

There were two reactions:

We loved them. (they finally had flavor!)

Our Yankee friends hated them. (they finally had flavor!)

At June 22, 2008 at 7:12 PM, Blogger Brian H said...

To spare the lobsters anguish, and get a better result, start with cold water, and bring to a boil. Their muscles don't go into tetany and toughen up that way.

The downside is that you have to start with a new pot of cold water for every batch; no just throwing the next ones in the boiling pot!


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