The Naked Emperor

28 October 2004

60 Minutes transcript

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Good evening, I’m Ed Bradley and welcome to the last “60 Minutes before voters can overturn the evils of the last four years.

I’ll be hosting our first segment, where psychologists reveal that constant exposure to ticking sounds will replace a persons competence with arrogance.

In the second segment, Morley Safer will discuss the current educational crisis sweeping the nation.  Apparently millions of students are protesting their poor grades, saying their test answers may be untrue, but are technically accurate and reveal “higher truths”.

Soon to be President Elect Kerry was asked about this, “I have a plan!  We will eliminate all testing and attendance requirements and give all students A’s as long as they register at least two gangbangers to vote Democrat”.

And in our final segment, Dan Rather has found documents revealing Illigitimate President Bush’s secret plans after he supresses the black vote and steals the election.  According to the documents, verified by our janitor, all citizens under forty will be drafted into born again churches, and armed with “assault style” weapons.  Talk radio hosts will then brainwash them into shooting all retirees, allowing Karl Rove to steal all Social Security benefits.  Halliburton has been give a no bid contract to dig the mass graves.

Also, Mary Cheney will be placed in charge of Queer concentration camps located in New Orleans, Atlanta, New York and San Francisco.  In these camps, men will be forced to wear flannel and women will be forced to wear make up while they are being “re-educated” No show tunes will be allowed.

Other documents show that the richest two percent will be give bounties for running over crippled poor people with their SUV’s, and tax breaks will be give to the car maker who produces the most polluting car, which will of course be produced overseas.  A constitional amendment will require KFC and Popeye’s to serve beld eagle and spotted owl. 

And finally, Andy Rooney will blather on about......something or other, I couldn’t care less.

Be sure to watch this Viacom station later, running all “Farenhight 9/11”, all the time.

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